Its Just An Act
by KizzyKatLuvzZeBatGangYJ
Summary: Garfield needs some caring for, Zatanna wants Robin to talk to him but Robin just can't do it. He just isn't strong enough, not today, not on the day that marks 5 years. She doesn't get it... where does it go from there? Robin feels mistaken for. The fake smile just doesn't work anymore. M'gann apparently knows, and she turns out to be the one to comfort him. She may just save Z/R.
1. Chapter 1

Some people can say that I'm pretty good at acting, or keeping secrets. Yeah, I guess I am. I keep the pain all bundled up inside and turn it into a fake smile. I'm disgusted by my smile, my smile thats so real to all the ones I love, to all my friends, but so hideous to myself. But my friends don't have to know my pain and they won't say they understand, so I keep doing it. But sometimes, I want to scream. Sometimes, I want to scream till I lose my voice. April 1st, 2006, my life fell apart. Tomorrow it counts 5 years. 5 years of masking my face, a mask that I never want to take off. 5 years of dreadful laughs, 5 years of locking the kid Dick Grayson once was. 5 years from tomorrow, my life fell apart, I was broken. I am broken. I'll never forgive Zucco for what he did to me, I don't care if he someday becomes a changed man with a family. I've wanted nothing more than to see his grave stone, witness him be buried. But I'll never tell anyone what I want, because its wrong. Its wrong because he wasn't alone, he isn't the only one to be blamed for their deaths. My mom, dad, aunt, cousin, are dead and my uncle is paralyzed because I couldn't get the breath to open my big mouth and tell them that they were in danger I don't deserve the name Robin. I don't deserve to be called Robin, The Boy Wonder, to wear the R. To be the right hand of the Batman, and be trusted by a team or league or the Batman. So why am I still pretending that I'm deserved by all these people.

I spend the day working myself to high Hell. But I'm in the cave, why? Because I don't want to show weakness before patrol with Batman. I'm practicing on the high bars. I don't even hear the door open. I didn't notice the one person who makes my life worth it walk in. "You know, your pretty amazing at that." She says. I don't stop. If I do, I'm going to cry. "Garfield was asking where you were. He wanted someone to talk to. Other than Meg and I. Its really hard on him. I know that maybe you might not know exactly how to respond but, at least try."

"In other words, I wouldn't understand. Thats funny, I'd say the same about the other team members."

"What do you mean?"

"It means that I wish I could talk to Gar, but I can't. Not today, not tomorrow. I don't need the dread."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means, Zee, that I can't do it. I can't go up to the team and face them with a smile, then tell Gar that everything will be alright, act like nothing happened like the rest of he team is trying to do. Because I know the truth, and there is no way I'm lying."

"What do you know about tragedy? Your seem perfectly happy to me. You have a dad, you have someone to care about you." Thats when I stop. I hang there, taking in her words. I'm ready to scream. I want to do it. "To me, your just sounding selfish, what, Boy Wonder isn't allowed to cry or something, can't take something actually being depressing? Something that you can't fix anyways." I hang no more and jump down landing in grace. I grab my things, my red vest and cape, and I walk right past her.

"Don't you dare come looking for me. As far as the team knows, I'm still training. Tell Gar I'm busy." Tears threaten to fall past my mask as I speak. I take it off once my eyes are out of her sight and tears fall.

"Your just being an idiot, you know that Boy Blunder?" How dare she use that name on me... "Fine, go run from it, go act like it never happened so you don't have to cry. As long as your like that, I don't wanna be your girlfriend." She has it all wrong. I stop. "And don't come crawling back with fake tears. Your the only one without tragedy, your just you. You live so perfectly, and to afraid to break it."

"With everyone, there is a line to be crossed, a line crossed to just drop a hammer on your world. To break you into a million pieces. Leave me alone Zee, you don't know anything."

"I know eno..."

"NO YOU DON'T! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME! SO STOP THROWING WORDS AROUND TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE THE BAD GUY! You don't even know my real name! How could you possibly know automatically that Batman is my dad, cause newsflash, he isn't!" And I ran off. I looked back slightly to see her a bit furious. But I ran off to the bathroom. I put on my vest and cape and my mask. Cleaning away the tears. I smiled... I wanted to punch that smile, it was so fake, but the team would buy it like always. No... I can't do it. So I decide to go home.

The Next day, I awake to the rain pouring and the thunder thrashing. I get dressed and glare at myself through the mirror. Tears fall, unannounced. Right now, Gar and other team members are planning pranks while Wally just awaits to warn me. He'd never play a prank on me, not on April 1st, never. He wouldn't do that to me.

As the tears fall, I put on the glasses and smile. But I can't do it. But I go anyways. I walk through the rain the rain, I have a jacket on, hood up, I'm fine. I finally get to the zeta. *Robin: B01* The computer announces. I walk in to an empty room. Once again, I put on the the smirk that I give then every day and go to the lounge. They are all sitting around, talking. Gar is sitting on a stool by the island. He has his head on her hand and elbow on the counter top. I decide to sit next to him. "Hey, Gar." I say, trying to sound supportive.

"How come Zatanna said you were being an idiot?" I raise an eyebrow at his question.

"Thanks... Look, Gar, I wanted to talk to you, I really did. I just... I just can't."  
"Why not?"

"Today marks a bad day for me a few years ago. Not one that I can just forget and move on. Right now, its hard really for me to do anything. Everyday I come in here with smirk. The domino mask I wear, its not the mask, the smirk is. I want to tell the team someday. I want to tell you a lot, I want to tell Zatanna, but first of all Bats has a rule on that. Second of all, around my friends, I want them to know I can be happy, and not tell me they understand or say its OK. I though... I'm not exactly follower 101. My dad used to say that I ran from the problems I didn't want to face... thats dead true to this day. I pretty much completely close myself off from the world, from my friends. I need to talk to them, but I don't want them to know my pain. The pain and anger and guilt built up inside of me. I only blame myself, I shouldn't but I do. I don't normally dwell on the facts, but I do when it comes down to, I should have done something. The truth is, there is no woulda coulda shoulda. I didn't and its over. The pain, I'd lie if I said it goes away, but its up to you what you do to help the pain heal. What choices you make. Telling people how you feel isn't a sign of weakness... I may not follow my own words... But its hard to explain why."

"You talk of you dad in past tense, isn't Batman your dad, Robin?" He asks.

"Geesh... Am I really turning into... Anyways, no. He isn't. He adopted me when I was 9. Therefore... it was Batman so of course only he could turn an innocent kid into a crime fighting, masked protegé."

"Thanks, Robin." Gar says hugging me. I hug him back. The thunder is so loud I hear it into the mountain. Garfield goes off with them team. Nobody notices when I leave. I leave through the back and sit against the rock. It thunders again. I look up to the sky, taking my glasses off. I let the rain drip down my face, I close my eyes. Tears fall, but it doesn't make a difference. I can feel my hair flatten down. My eyes open then close again.

A sob escapes my mouth, then another. Thats when I do it. I cry out, in a screamish way. It lasts a few seconds and then I take in a gasp and sob again. I wait a few more seconds, and cry out again. It becomes a pattern, 3 times. Thats when I hear something... Suddenly, someone is at my side. I feel an arm pull me close. Its not Zatanna, she's mad at me and can't possibly know what I'm not telling her. Its a girl, possibly Artemis, but then I see a green hand. Its M'gann. I don't really care is Conner would kill me for accepting the warm embrace. I like the company. I continue to sob with little gasps. She has my head tucked against here, her hand stroking my hair. "I know about your past..." She says. "When we were at the circus, I sensed emotional waves come off you in so many ways. I was growing concerned. When you were talking to Garfield, is today the annavirsairy of their deaths, isn't it?" I slightly nod, she gets it. "I also know that Zatanna broke up with you. Maybe, not saying you should today, but just maybe you should kind of go out of Batman's rules, if you really love her that much."

"I can't get back together with Zatanna. Dick Grayson has another life besides being Robin. I can't do that to her... On my birthday, I kissed another girl who I love. Then on New Years, Zatanna kissed me. Apparently that meant we were together. But its not just her that I'm together with. Its not her that I love the way I do the other girl. I can't do that, not to either of them. Someday I'm going to tell Barbara why I can't always be around."

"You don't love Zatanna as much as you do the other girl. But what happens if Zatanna wants to get back together with you?"

"Its simple, I say no, she has to accept my secrets and reasons."

"Maybe its not that simple." She says that, and a silence takes over. The rain is all we hear. Then she speaks. "Why do you blame yourself for what happened 5 years ago?"

"Because it was my fault."

"But why?"

"Because, Meg, I knew what Zucco was planning. I heard it, he even caught me snooping and said so. The exact words "Might wanna double check the lines." He told me right then that he was threatening my family. I should have told them but I didn't. It was my fault I didn't warn them."

"The way I see it, you couldn't have done anything anyways. Even if you said something. But you said it yourself. The words woulda, coulda, shoulda, they just don't exist. There is not woulda coulda shoulda because you didn't. And even so, and may have not made difference. In the simulation we all went through a few months ago, I woulda coulda shoulda got you and Wally out with J'ohn and I, but I didn't. And if that were real, you'd be gone. And there would be nothing I could've done about it because then I wouldn't be here either. So it would never of made a difference. It still would've exploded. And we did what we had to before you say your the one who set those explosives. It still needed to happen. In you case, Zucco still would've cut those lines, your family would still perform to keep it out of the way of concern. And what were you going to do, catch them? You couldn't. No one could've because they fell. The only thing you could've done and still do is live on and keep at peace. I should have been there when Maria went off the cliff but I wasn't. And even so, she was being enthrawled by Queen Bee, it would take time to stop her, time that just didn't exist. And I had other duties. I knew something was wrong, but I just couldn't do anything about it. I don't know if this was helpful or not, but I just don't want you to blame yourself for it, and live on that way. And to tell the truth, I can't be living with the blame on myself, and I doubt you can to. Your not alone and you never will be. No matter what, you'll have the team, someone will always care about you on this team, no matter how much you want to push away from us, someone will care and will always care about you. Zatanna is just upset because of her dad, its still so new to her. And we all know Wally can't do emotion." She gets smirk out of me.

"I'm concerned right now if Conner is going to kill me or hate me."

"Eh, we all know he can't do the emotional ordeal either." There is a short silence of just the rain pouring. She comforts me. Then speaks again. "And your here now. Your Robin, and your parents are probably proud. You have friends, you have a team, and your great at what you do. I've admired how calmly you'll handle any situation as if we're talking about the weather. You keep the team together in that respect. During the simulation, I was practically jealous of how you handled it so well. You did what you had to without question. I could never be so strong."

"I was never happy with what I did in the simulation."

"If that was the real deal, you were probably the only one doing anything right."

"Wanna know why though? Most face death as their worst nightmare. They may try to handle well on this team, outside, but on the inside, they are scared puppies. Do I blame them, no. They are also scared for each other. But me, I face death like my best friend. I don't fear it. Shoot me now, I don't care if I die. The only worry is how the ones in my life will take it. But even that, I welcome death as a guest in my life, because death is weakness and slows most down. In my life, what do I have to lose? If it came down to it, I'm willing to push a criminal out of the way of a speeding train and take their place in death just so another like can remain on this planet, even if its only for another second. I'll take the place for any life... any life accept one. I've never told anyone this. Bruce knows how much I hate Tony Zucco, so does Wally, they all know I hate the man, c'mon, he killed me family. But I hate him to the point I wish he were dead. I wish I would've killed him when I had the chance."

"But you didn't, so now your Robin."

"I didn't because I knew he was testing my trust. I lied to Bruce when I said that I would never kill. It was a flat lie. If it came down to Zucco..."

"There isn't any way possible that your the only one to ever think that. But you need to let Zucco go, think of your family in a happy memory, Dick."

"Thank you, M'gann..." I say.

"You don't have to. Just remember your never going to be alone, no matter what. This team is unbreakable, always." The rain still pours like there's no tomorrow. "Want to go inside?"  
"Yeah." I say. We both get up. Both of us are soaking to the core. Suddenly we see Conner.

"I was looking for you two. Zatanna was looking for M'gann. I was looking for Robin. Looks like I got 4 eyes." He didn't seem to care.

"We were just talking." M'gann asked.

"Nice talking place." He says, first somewhat funny thing. I smirk anyways. "C'mon, lets go inside." He says. I see is already soaking wet. We go inside.


	2. I'm Sorry

The next day, I come to the cave. Zatanna is sitting in the lounge with Kaldur and Garfield. "Hey, Zee, Gar, Kal." I say. Kaldur looks up from his book and nods.

"Hey Robin!" Garfield says excitedly.

Zatanna doesn't pay me any attention. "Zee...?" She does nothing, just continues to read her book. "C'mon, Zatanna..."

"I'm sorry, Kaldur, I think I'm going crazy because I think I'm hearing things." My jaw drops. I can't believe she just did that.

"Oh, yeah, real mature."

"Geesh, what is wrong with you two?" Gar asks.

I lean my arms nest to Zatanna on the couch, I lips close to her ear. "You know, if you'd quit ignoring me and maybe come outside with me, I can tell you what you want to know about me." She looks me, straight through the sunglasses, as if she wanted to know my eye color, which she probably does.

"If its a speech on why everyone would understand, than you can slap yourself upside the head for me."

"I mean it, Zee, when I say what you want to know about me. I'll tell you anything."

"Fine." She gets up and follows me around the back, outside. "Alright, Boy Wonder. You start with name."

"Jeesh, woman, what did I do to make you so mad anyways?"

"I knew it... Your just here to..."

"No, Zatanna..." I stop her from going in. "I meant it. Not that my name is... My name is Richard Grayson. Other wise known as Dick Grayson, the adopted kid of Bruce Wayne, aka Batman." She seemed a bit surprised.

"Wait... that means... your. parents. are... Thats what ticked you off the other day.."

"Well, not really. Yesterday marked 5 years since my family died. It was more of me just... just in grief. I try not to dwell on it around my friends because I don't want them to know how I really feel about life."

"I'm sorry, Rob-Dick. I had no right to assume anything, and I ruined it. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to get back with me." I swallowed hard when she said that.

"Its not that I don't want to. I love you to pieces, but thats why I can't do it anymore."

"But... Dick..."  
"I live 2 lives... I have two love lives as well. I can't do that to you, Zee."

"You love someone else more, as Dick Grayson, not Robin. Was the kiss real?"

"What do you mean?"

"The New Years kiss."

"Of course it was, but it was a mistake. Its time I'm honest with you. On the day I turned 14, you kissed me as I was leaving the cave after Wally told you it was my birthday. But at my actual party, I kissed a girl that I've known since Bruce adopted me. She kissed me, and I kissed back. That was something... The New Years, it reminded me of it. They were both the same. And I'm sorry, Zee." She probably hates me again.

"Wally West has called you a dog with girls... and now I get it. Thanks for being honest, Robin. Now I know I was an idiot just full..."

"You hate me now? If you want, slap me. Preporation for what I plan on doing to myself at home." She stood up in front of me. She slapped me. I deserved it, I guess.

"And now I'm mad for the right reason. But somehow, your going to manage your way through this... we are team mates, friends, someday I'll forget, but never again will I fall for it." Ever have those moments when you feel so small. "But we're still friends... and we always will be." Talk about confusing.

"I'm really sorry, Zatanna."

"Everyone of us lives double lives, I guess. But you the most. You own the fine line between Robin and Grayson." I felt so small as she spoke to me, making me feel so guilty for telling her. She went over and had down against the rock. "We are still going to be friends, right?"

I sit next to her. "Always, we're a team, we have to."

"Can I tell you something while we being idiotically honest?"

"Anything as long as it goes along with the idiotic subject." She smirks.

"When you first became Robin and I saw you on the news, I had a crush on you. I don't know if I really did still have that crush when I first met you for real, or found you funnier than I thought instead of a dark partner to the Dark Knight and turned out to like you more... I don't know, I was fan girl thinking Robin was cute."  
"You know, if I have a dollar for every time a girl has said they had a crush on Robin to Robin, I'd have a buck. If I had a dollar for every time a girl has said they had a crush on Robin, I'd have like, 20 bucks. Even there Barbara... I'm pretty sure she had a crush on me since the first time she saw me, looking for her dad on the roof... You wanna know how weird that is? Maybe thats why I still hesitate the thought of telling her."

"I'm pretty sure I got out of the little girl crush by the time I really met you. But it came back when I thought you were funny."

"Really, was I just funny?"

"Your cute, thats why your not hanging from a tree right now."

"OK... harsh."

"Just because I love doing this, one last time." She gives no warning and pulls up my chin to her, and our lips meet. I love Zatanna, but I love Barbara more.

* * *

**Not my favorite chapter but I plan to post another chapter with Barbara becoming Batgirl, then I'm on to a new story with that subject. I'll update 4 Years of Dick Grayson as well and How To Kill A Robin**

**I know, Obviously I just hate Robin (sarcasm) -Kat M.**


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